You know, initially when I began the CLK.com Empowerment Blog, I considered the opportunity to express my thoughts on such a forum, both, therapeutic and inspiring. And while my initial sentiments have not changed, I am beginning to realize that reading my personal thoughts on a weekly basis provide some of you with as much therapy as I get in writing them. As a matter of fact, several of you have persisted to contact me to discuss personal matters in more detail. However, the ironic thing about acting in a consultative role to some of you is that many of you seek to place unfavorable restrictions on the advice that you so often seek. “Chris, I truly value your opinion; but I better not see my name appear in any of your blogs,” many of you nervously state. And keeping with my vows of silence, I have no intentions of exposing anyone’s dirty laundry. However, like always, I do plan to completely expose some of my deepest fears and concerns as I proceed to address a topic that should appeal to more than half of you. With that being said, I hope you enjoy today’s posting.
In response to my previous post titled, “Relationships Used As Drugs…,” one of my readers posted a comment asking a very sincere and important question. She asked, “Chris, do you think you will ever get married again?”
While this is a question that I receive a lot, her timing couldn’t have been more perfect. Much like the idea that there are various stages of relationships, there are also various stages of healing from relationships. What I mean is that depending on when you asked me the question, you may have gotten a different result. Initially, like many others, I was completely adamant about never getting married again. There were many times that I had vowed publicly to never want to go through that experience. While my vow may have been more public than most, this is quite a common occurrence. Since the realization of a failed relationship is often painful, we convince ourselves that it is an experience that we never want to go through again. This is quite normal. However, to accomplish that task we erect barriers that, to us, ensure that we won’t relive those experiences.
In my case, my vow to protect myself was driven by my fear of getting into another serious relationship. However, this fear caused me to engage in contradictory actions that often prevented me from establishing true relationships that I had an innate desire to be in. Each person that I dated was quickly met with the realization that they were hopelessly pursuing a strong connection with a person that had no intentions of allowing such a bond to be established. Each woman that possessed the desire and ability to please me was often turned away by my impenetrable wall that guarded my heart. No one stood a chance to get to know me as I proceeded to push women away by my actions. One woman may have wanted too much, while another didn’t want enough. This woman was too nice, while that woman wasn’t nice enough. And if for some reason, someone managed to get past my judgmental scrutinizations of her personality, I would simply stop calling her as I was faced with the fear of falling into another serious relationship.
I recall a specific incident with a particular woman that I had begun to go out with. Sitting at a nice restaurant, preparing to wrap up what seemed to be an enjoyable evening, I could easily detect that this woman began to take a strong liking to me. The more she liked me, the closer she wanted to grow with me. Unwilling and fearful of the establishment of such a bond, I quickly asked her, “So, what are your primary pet peeves with men? What are the things that completely turn you off?”
“Well,” she began. “I really hate men that have filthy mouths. It’s a complete turnoff when a man curses a lot.”
Making a mental note of her primary turnoff, within five minutes, I had redirected our conversation to one that was filled with four-letter expletives and brash derogatory comments. I began cursing so much I sounded like a drunken sailor, only with the intentions of sabotaging a bond that, if left unmettled, was sure to be a progressive one. This had become my M.O.–mode of operation. With the promise of each relationship came the promise of a personal attempt to halt its progress.
For more than a year, I intentionally destroyed various relationships. Watching me engage in such destructive behavior, a close friend of mine approached me as she proceeded in initiating an intervention.
“Chris,” she began. “For more than a year, I have sat back and watched you destroy relationships with good women for no reason. I know you are hurt from your last relationship, but I am concerned that you are going to miss out on experiencing a wonderful relationship because you are afraid. You are intentionally pushing people away,” she concluded.
“You know, you’re right. But I am just so scared,” I responded.
“What are you afraid of?” she asked.
“I am afraid of not being able to measure up to the expectations that my woman may have of me. I am afraid of not being able to provide her with the happiness that I know that she deserves. I am afraid of being hurt. But most of all, I am afraid of hurting someone else. While I can barely stomach the pain of my past failed relationship, I don’t ever want to cause that kind of pain to someone else. So before they get too involved with me, I end it,” I replied.
“I understand,” she began. “But you will eventually miss out on a relationship with a good person if you continue to push people away.”
I truly thank God for the words that my friend gave me that day as I have, since then, begun a new process–the process of moving past my fears. With her important words in mind, today, it is my aim to initiate an internet intervention.
While I have not spoken to all of you, I am sure that most of you have encountered a similar experience at one point or another. The fear of reliving past negative experiences often encourage us to forfeit the joys of positive future experiences. Some of you are so adamant about not reliving the past experiences of your relationships that you easily push away others. Every man that you meet somehow reminds you of the bad one that you just left. Every person that you encounter is quickly met with your impenetrable wall. Unfortunately, some of you, look for certain things that will allow you to confirm that this person is not the person that you thought they were as you operate under the motto of “if it’s too good to be true, it often is”. Many of search, pry, and investigate until you find that one thing that provides you with a reason to maintain your guard, only to personally sabotage relationships that easily have promise and potential.
As I come to a close, I now take the responsibility to inform you that many of you are unable to experience fruitful relationships because you have become accustomed to engaging in exploits of relationship sabotage. It has become a habit. It is your M.O. Thank you. Let me know your thoughts.
CLK.com