Good morning my friends. Yes, I said good morning. At the time of this writing, it is now 8:12 am on Wednesday, May 7, 2008. I hadn’t posted a blog in a few days. However, that doesn’t mean that I have forgotten about you. Nor does it mean that I am running out of topics to explore. It’s actually quite the contrary. Over the past few days, I have actually written a few entries but refrained from posting them for several reasons. Don’t worry, it’s all about timing. Also, over the last few days, I have probably gotten more topic requests than anything. So, I am sure that I will be writing for a long time. And while, today’s topic is an answer to a special request from one of my faithful supporters, I pray that it speaks to others as well.
Yesterday, as I sat enjoying a late lunch of barbecued brisket, potato salad, and beans, my phone began to ring. Normally, such a call would have easily gone unanswered, as I would have preferred to focus on the succulence of my meal. And besides, the unfamiliarity of the number displayed on the caller ID obviously didn’t warrant the attention that would cause me to postpone my long awaited meal. However, as I sat initially ignoring the fact that I was being summoned, that little voice in our heads that we often try to ignore told me to pick up. And while my stomach said otherwise, I quickly obeyed the urgings of my head and answered the call.
Listening to the unfamiliar voice on the other end, I was quickly introduced to a woman that, apparently, seems to be one of my most avid readers. Her tone was mellow. Soft. While not in a hurry, the seriousness of her voice possessed a desperation that not even she was aware of. She needed help. And while neither of us were exactly certain of her need for actual advice or just a lending ear, I graciously listened as she began to explain the plights of her current relationship. Her marriage had lost its luster. Still in its infancy, it failed to provide her with the feelings that she initially sought. And although the relationship was birthed out of convenience and the glamorous idea of being in a relationship, it still should have provided her with blissful feelings of happiness, right? Where was the happiness?
As she continued to describe her frustrations in what seemed to be a dismal monologue, the expressions of her misery had begun to strike a chord in me that I was all too familiar with. Her husband was no longer comforting. He lacked compassion. And his lack of a willing commitment to a relationship with God only added to her disappointment and disdain for their relationship. And as the intimacy within the relationship continued to dissipate, so did her desire, respect, and support for a man that she once adorned with the title of “King of Her Heart”. After approximately ten minutes of listening in solitude, she would soon say something that would rock me to my very core.
“Chris, while I do not want anyone else at this point, I’m not even turned on by him. Honestly, Chris,” she said as she proceeded to hit me with the knockout punch. “I don’t think I love him anymore.”
Unfortunately, as many of my friends and associates battle the struggles of failed relationships and divorce, this comment has arisen more often than I am comfortable with. And surprisingly, as individuals often come to me for “advice”, the one thing that I ever provide them with is that itemized list of to-do’s that will affirm that the actions they were planning to take are correct. This woman needed help. She wanted her husband to be there for her. She wanted to feel the power and the emotions of love. She wanted the happiness of marriage that’s often advertised. And while her desires were made quite evident over our half hour conversation, I am sure that he also wanted her to accept and desire him in his current physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual state.
Well, sadly enough, she was in search of something that wasn’t there. I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But for those of you that are looking for the power, the glow, or the emotions of love, you’ll be looking for that for a long time. Those true emotions that you’re in search of are sometimes experienced as a result of love. They are not depictions, or symbols, of love as we often see. And the experience of such feelings surely don’t indicate the presence of love within a relationship. They merely occur from the memories or experiences that we have as a result of our conscious decision to love. That’s right ladies and gentlemen. Love is a decision.
According to author Gary Smalley in his best selling book, “Love is a Decision”, love is a decision that we must make when we don’t feel like it. We must make a decision to love our mate even when we don’t feel like they are deserving of our love. We must make the decision to love our mate even when they fall short of our expectations and desires. However, to make the decision to love someone, you must find value in that person. Keep in mind, that value and benefit are not the same things. Finding value in someone suggests that despite their actions, they still have worth. And with that, since I find value in you, I can now love you and not your actions. This concept also helps us in the discussions of forgiveness.
For example, I loved my mother, regardless of some of her disapproving actions. I love my brothers, despite a few of the disappointments that I have experienced at their hand. And truth be told, I love my ex-wife, in spite of a few painful moments that we have had. And all of these people are loved by me simply because I choose to; not because they benefit me in any special way. I choose to love them because I know that they have value and I know that God has created them to be great, according to His purpose. I love them because I see their greatness in God.
Therefore, my friend, if you are reading today’s blog. Make the decision to love your husband. Love him despite his imperfections. Love him, not for the man that he is, but for the man that God is going to call him to be. Through your demonstration of love to him, hopefully, he will see the love of God. Pray for him. I know it’s difficult, but to do this, you must find value in him. You must see him as the king that God has called him to be. When you see him as such, you will begin to treat him as such. Then you will begin to create experiences and memories that will provide you with the good feelings that you were initially in search of.
For those of you that feel that you don’t love your mate anymore, you must first make the decision.
I LOVE YOU. Thank you.
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