I am glad to see your comment. I completely agree that this topic should be explored much more in larger forums. However, for us to explore such topics, someone must take the lead and say, “Yes, I struggle with loneliness.” Sadly to say, so many of us are so preoccupied with displaying our own facades that to admit such a thing would jeopardize the false image that we have tried so hard to build for ourselves. Well, not here. Not on my watch. This is a problem that keeps us from being what God has called us to be.

I was a little hesitant about writing the post yesterday. But I am glad that I did. I will make sure that I try to keep them coming. There are so many topics that I want to cover that I think that I should just lock myself in a room for months and just write.

Thank you for your feedback.

CLK.com

I am on a journey much like the one you spoke of and Mrs. B. God most certainly has a way of making you stop take notice and execute his plan and will for your life. Your words are an encouragement to me especially in my dark hour. I am a avid reader and anything that draws me closer to my source is powerful.

I know you say you are having problems coming up with topics but know that the current topic is one not nearly explored or discussed enough. The topic alone is so taboo that most including myself result to denial rather than face the truth and examine the issues or situations which show the symptoms of this illness.

let me begin by saying that while i commenced reading your post with the casual delight shared by my perusal of each of the previous comments, i was completely unprepared for the gripping transition to the center stage of what was evidently, one of your most intimate life challenges.

as not only a gifted speaker, but a prolific writer, your picturesque narrative placed me at a juncture between your unbearable pain and septic memories of my own that I vowed not to relive. before i share – let me first say – you are courageous. although poised with the pen, it is rare that i come to grips with transparency in postings as it denotes a vulnerability that i believe is inherently uncomfortable for the average person.

nevertheless, as a writer and speaker, i find that many of my experiences have helped listeners who have privately shared with me ways in which they identified, were moved, compelled, and/or encouraged by the tragedies-turned-triumph that i shared.

that being said – i secondly commend you on overriding what may have been innate inhibitions, believing that you did so with the intent of encouraging others who may have or may be experiencing emotional perils amidst desperate searches for hope. in the spirit of this intent…i will briefly share a snapshot of my own story, or at least the connecting point that i had with yours…

i can’t say that i’ve known loneliness to this degree in my adult life…i went from being single at home to being married…but, i did know the pain of rejection, ostracism, and isolation in middle and high school. and it stayed with me because its effects were so detrimental that i went from being a high performing honor student all my life with upper percentile test scores to a low performing, socially marred teenager who struggled so greatly with low self esteem that i barely graduated.

raised in a single parent home, with little money, i was never able to keep up with the “trends” and popular crowds at my middle or high schools. while i didn’t think it was a big deal, it was quickly and frequently pointed out to me that i didn’t make the cut – a motif i bitterly resented. it worsened however as i got older because i longed to be accepted. despite my high iq, i was dissatisfied with the labels of nerd and geek. slowly developing physically (couldn’t work that training bra out until sixth grade – with my itsy-bitsy [but very proud] triple a cup).

i couldn’t reach womanhood fast enough. i carried sanitary napkins months before i had a cycle – eagerly waiting for my stake in the womanly rituals, which for me wasn’t until eighth grade (if i knew then what i know now!…). i wanted bigger boobs, and shapely hips, long flowing hair, and make up like all of the other girls that seemed to get boys’ attention. despite my disinterest in becoming sexually active like my peers (which i waited until i got married for), i became heavily preoccupied with how i looked and how i thought others thought i looked.

the icing on the cake was when i admired a fellow freshman from afar, not that i would have ever had the courage to tell him i had a crush on him…after all, he was probably the most popular and definitely the dreamiest guy on the football team… then one day, while they were having a “ranking” fest, someone looked at him – and then pointed to me and said, “…you like….HER!” and he responded quickly and emphatically “UNH-UNNNNNNNH!!!!!!!!!!!!!” to which the class chorused in laughter. And after what seemed more hours than minutes, i was shattered.

my face was so hot. i felt like my blood was blistering my skin from the inside out. my tear ducts were so full my vision was blurred. if i could have crawled under the desks to exit the classroom, i would have. the next day, i skipped my first class…by sitting on the toilet the entire duration of the class period, because i was too ashamed to go back to class…i was sure everyone would see me and think about how apparently ugly i was…

i shifted my attention from studying books to studying my clothes. skirts got tighter, shorts got shorter, blouses got lower – and finally…i was noticed. and i was so relieved. then i was pretty. people asked me for my phone number. people checked me out. i looked like a girl. i had pretty legs – because they told me i did. i was ecstatic.

in the meantime, my grades plummeted. i had disciplinary problems…that was unheard of…and before finishing my four years had been to after school detention, saturday detention, in school suspension, and got suspended for three days. for frivolous things of course… i also flunked three half semesters, and was one day short of enough absences to keep me from repeating the twelfth grade. but at least guys thought i was pretty.

after shamefully flushing my slip of paper with my three digit rank on it my senior year (although still in honors classes), i pulled it together enough to walk across the stage. sadly, my complex came with me to college where i’d spend hours of glamour preparation in the bathroom out of sheer paranoia that a hair or thread would be out of place if i left the mirror a minute too soon. it was utterly debilitating.

i felt like a failure for so many reasons – especially squandered opportunities as a student. i was embarrassed that i helped other people with their scholarships and never secured my own. hurt that my uncle was sure i was going to princeton and i didn’t even apply. crushed that i disappointed my mom who thought her g/t daughter would graduate with every honor…disgusted that i didn’t set higher expectations for myself when academia was among my best elements…

a lot has happened between now and then…today, i’m 30, happily married, and have two kids. i’ve since become a writer, speaker, and now, small business owner… what pulled me out of MY loneliness and despair – was God. i talked to Him. cried to Him. journaled to Him…frequently. i forsook my fake friends for Him. spent time with Him…sought Him. exposed myself to Him. poured out my soul, hung up my inhibitions, uncovered my skeletons, and then begged for His help. and He did. so now, we’re in a committed relationship )

i don’t care if people don’t think i’m cute. sometimes i still struggle with not being liked (in general – if i don’t think i’ve done anything to be disliked for, that is [not gender specific])…but i’m working on getting over that as well. now i help other women accept who they are…strive for who they can be, and keep others from putting them in a box. i’m an overachiever. i’m confident. i’m classy in my own right, and i’m unintimidated. i have too much to offer and too much to give…and i give myself now to those whom i love the most.

my apologies for the novelette, but your post struck a symbiotic chord. you’ve reminded me of the healing power of sharing your deepest hurts with the masses…perhaps you will draw that book out of me yet…stay tuned )