Off my soapbox now!

Let me first say that yes, you did misunderstand me. Actually what I said was:

Done “right”, marriage is definitely great. I will even go out on the limb and say this: Done PARTIALLY right, it’s even pretty good. The only problem is that it’s not as fulfilling.

By this, I meant that even when it’s done PARTIALLY right, we may experience pretty good feelings along the way. However, PARTIALLY right does not totally grant us the total fulfillment that we often yearn for.

Also, I agree with many of the points you made. I hope this clarifies the misunderstanding.

Keep it coming!!!

CLK.com

Thank you for the support. You hit me with quite a few questions. The best way for me to attempt to answer all of them is to list them out. Enjoy.

1) What side of the fence do I prefer being on, married or single?

That’s an interesting question that I really don’t seem to have an answer for. For the record, let me say that I truly think being in a healthy, fruitful, fulfilling, and functional relationship is great. However, many relationships lack these important attributes. No one can truly tell you whether you are better off single or not. For those friends that do, I encourage you to tell them about this blog. (I had to put a marketing plug in there!)

2) What are the benefits of being married or single?

Ms. V, to tell you the truth, I believe that this question arises from an innappropriate, self-centered mentality. What your question is asking is “What are the benefits, TO ME, of being married or single?” And that answer, on both sides, is none. Yes, marriage can be very rewarding. And on the flip side, one can also be fulfilled while being single. God ordained relationships (marriages) were not created to benefit you. I stated earlier that healthy, fruitful, fulfilling, and functional relationships are great. This indicates that relationships, especially marriages, should be functional, or have a purpose. True purpose, in any arena, has nothing to do with you. You just become the vehicle for that purpose to be fulfilled. And once you tap into that, that’s when the fulfillment of the relationship is achieved.

3) What about the loneliness…?

Over the last three days, I have been getting an overwhelming amount of requests dealing with this topic. Therefore, I have chosen to blog about this topic today.

I hope this helps.

CLK.com

You said that the “…only problem with marriage done right…is that it is not as fulfilling…” Really? I think that’s the “right” part about it.. I want to make sure that I’m understanding you correctly as I’m not sure if I’m reading your response out of context.

I agree with you that all too often, selfishness gets in the way. At the same time, I think everything in life – everything – is a process. Marriage too has stages of development. When I said earlier that it has been an eye-opening and growing up experience for me, I was referencing some of that selfishness. It’s hard learning to “share”, cooperate, defer, submit, and give in. Not because it’s required every day, but just because it’s a part of becoming one.

Our culture is replete with selfish tendencies, and quite honestly while everybody talks about the beauty in teamwork, we’re frequently taught to strive to be the center of attention. “Get noticed; be the best; don’t settle; get the most; do it the longest; reach the highest…do what no one else has done and make sure you get recognized for it.”

Marriage is about working, learning, and sometimes, even hurting together. I say hurting because while we’d like to have perfect relationships, with love comes vulnerability. Even if by mistake, we hurt each other in small ways… One of my huge hang ups with my husband at some point was that I would go out of my way to be “cute” (we used to work at the same hospital at some point), have a really “cute” day, would get compliments from seemingly everyone throughout the day – except him – and just be utterly crushed.

At the end of the day, I’d say “so…did you think I was pretty today…” And he’d say “Yeah, sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, I didn’t mean to, I know I hurt your feelings, now you’re probably mad…it just…” I can’t tell you how many times this started an argument. That’s for another post…

We’ve gotten past that since then…but it was a part of our learning and growing together. Understanding what is meaningful to your spouse; what’s painful, helpful, unique… I believe in any healthy marriage, there will always be a tinge of pain when it comes to telling yourself “no, you can’t have everything your way” because inherently, that is really what everyone wants (and what the media in magazines, tv, radio, and internet tell you you want – isn’t that the basic premise of marketing? this is what you want, this is why you deserve it, this is why you need to buy it? you, you, you….?)

Nevertheless, as I continue to learn and discover things about my husband, especially when we go through things, I learn more about myself. What I’ve liked learning the most is that I can get rid of enough selfishness on my part, to give to him the love and support he needs. In helping him to be fulfilled, I feel far more fulfilled myself – because I think that’s what family is about…being what your family needs and strenghting the bonds that bind you together.

Mrs. B

kaishudo

To elaborate on the topic of “To The Married, Loveless, & Lonely (Yeah, Even You)” can you comment on which side of the fence you prefer being on, simply because you have experienced both. I have friends who tell me that I’m better off single and others that feel like I missing something. In general, what are the benefits of being married versus single? As a single, what about the loneliness, is that a void that man or woman can fill, or is it just simply the form of adding to?

Can the puzzle ever be completed?

I must admit, after reading your comment, I spent almost twenty minutes trying to figure out who you are. I even pulled out the old yearbooks. But, through all of that, your anonymity remains.

Based on your comment, I believe that you will enjoy this blog. The topics to come will definitely keep you engaged.

Now, I do agree with you. Done “right”, marriage is definitely great. I will even go out on the limb and say this: Done PARTIALLY right, it’s even pretty good. The only problem is that it’s not as fulfilling. And that’s what we’re looking for, right? To be fulfilled wholistically? Spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical fulfillment. What often gets in the way of such fulfillment is our own selfishness.

Marriage, of course, is a relationship. And one of the key components in any personal, professional, or business relationship is…SERVICE. This is in no way a derogatory term. But it is a selfless term. Now, that service should be directed to: 1) God and 2) your mate. Where relationships tend to go astray is when we allow other things to completely get our service, such as money, ourselves, the children, etc.

Okay, I am done. You’re about to get me to start revealing things that are in the upcoming books. But I enjoyed your comment.

Ms. B, keep it coming.

CLK.com

Strangely enough, I recently embarked upon self-employment – and of all industries, am transitioning into speaking/coaching/training…imagine that. Imagine my surprise when I visited your website!

Nevertheless, as a writer, I ramble…so let me appropriately post to the comment (or at least attempt – ha ha).

Marriage…(sigh)…I’m convinced that no amount of counseling can prepare you for it. Few life-known pains can rival it, and rarely can any other love compare to it. What does this babble mean? When it’s done right, it’s worth it.

While that may seem a bit narrow minded, assuming the obvious question would be how do you define “right”, I will put it in the context of my spiritual beliefs, which guide my every step (despite my imperfections).

Marriage for me has been an eye-opening, growing-up, self-revealing experience. Trite though it may sound, I love my husband more each day – and that after silly arguments, hurts, two engagement break ups before getting married, financial ups and downs, knock-down drag-out disagreements…and two happy kids later (1 and 3) and a seven year anniversary approaching in june (yay for me – and “whew”!!!).

what keeps us together is our strong faith. i can go through the good and the bad because i know in the end, we’ll both submit ourselves to biblical guidelines. disagreeing is always painful, but having a common bond in Christ makes anything surmountable. i can’t imagine functioning any other way. for our marriage, it is the soul peace that glues us inseparably together… -B

your thoughts mr. guru??? type away…